| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|08:26 am] |
Dear Family and Friends,
I have made a commitment to ride in the Aids life cycle to help raise awareness to this great cause…and to help raise critical funding for the aids foundation.
The Foundation provides vital services and programs designed to improve the quality of life for people living with HIV/AIDS and to reduce the number of new infections that occur each year.
My friends and family know how much I enjoy cycling. I have even completed several bike tours. This however will be the longest bicycle ride I have peddled in my life. I have already begun my training which will be both physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging.
With the help of my cycle buddies and trainers I will be ready for this challenge next June.
But I still need your help to reach my goal!
By June 2008 I will need to raise 2,500.00! I know with all of your help this is an attainable goal! Even better, for every $25.00 or greater that I receive, my employer will match your donation with a matching gift donation. In other words, that 25.00 will turn into $50.00!!!
Why I want to ride: Several reasons. The first I honestly believe in improving the world we live in and this is one way I can. The second reason is to challenge myself as an athlete. With this event I am able to do both.
I will be making a personal sacrifice by giving up my weekend time to group training rides with other cyclists…But I am determined to see this through and make a difference in someone’s life.
For people who donate: You will receive regular updates on my training, a post card from the road while I am peddling my way to LA, and my personal journal entrees while I was on the ride.
Sincerely,
Heidi Barnes |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2007|09:07 am] |
Grrr...
so my mom kept trying to call my work yesterday. I was not accepting her calls. The last thing that I wanted was to fight over the phone with my mom at work! Actually if she called and I got her I probably would have hung up the phone.
Then she showed up at my work!!! I got a call from the front security. So, I went down there were she started to tell me how sorry she was. I do believe that she is sorry but that its Gus that she really needs to apologize for.
How did I end up staying at the hotel with her again last night? I didn't really want to...I wanted to stay home...but she was practically begging me.
She is going back home today-thank god! Only...she says that she will be in town again next week to spend time with me on my vacation...WHAT!? NO...I don't need her..or want her around me 24/7. I don't want that side of the family around me. GO AWAY |
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| My mom true color's came out last night |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|10:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
So, my mom was still in town for one more night (last night). Gus picked me up from work and we went over to spend the evening and night at the hotel with my mom.
Right away my mom brings up the topic of Gus and I finding an apartment to live in and the possibility of bringing down her RV. She then goes to say "Well, it really should be the priority to find an apartment for you guys before the RV idea." AGREED! I 100% agreed with her. 1. The RV idea was going to be too expensive for Gus and myself...and if she was only going to let is use it for a month then 2. In one month we might still be in the same position.
So Gus and I were telling her that of course we were in fact looking for an apartment or even a room for rent. She goes on to say that we should not bother looking for a room to rent and it should be an apartment. Again I agreed but said that if that was all that we could find and could afford we would have to take it for the time being.
So, then she says "Your not looking in Highland park are you? that area is just out of the question to rent in". I was like "I am looking in all area's where Gus and I can afford...and if we find something in highland park...then so be it."
She then gets this huge attitude! and starts saying that we would need to move the RV down on my vacation that starts on the 25th of this month. So I told her that Gus and I were going to enforce our renters rights to buy as I little more time to find an apartment, and that I can postpone my vacation.
Then she started yelling at us "So, you don't want to stay in the RV then...well I feel stupid!" I was like "didn't we all just agree that we should find an apartment first and use the RV in case of an emergency place to live?"
She then started to verbally attack Gus. Telling him that its his fault that him and I are in a shit hole and that she was trying to protect me. I got angry and told her "for one I am 28 years old and am able to protect myself. Second, don't you dare blame Gus for anything...this is not his fault!"
She then tells Gus "why don't you pay me back the money that I have given you!" (she was referring to the 1,200.00 she paid the dentist for him- that she said was a gift at the time). Then she tells me to leave the cell phone that she has been letting me use- and I did.
As we were leaving she says "I love you Heidi...Gus you are an asshole- F*** You." The last thing I said to her as she was slamming the hotel door behind us was "That's my husband you are talking to!!"
She is just like the rest of her family that has this use thing against my husband for what ever reason.
My Aunt Shelby never liked him and never even took the time to get to know him.
My Aunt Angela spreads horrible lies about him that are not true at all
My Grandma Carol has made comments to me that I don't have high enough standers and that its a great idea if we split!
And my mom is no better then any of them!!
Well, my step dad did leave me money in his will. Which I have only received 1,500.00 of. But I am going to send my mom a letter and tell her to deduct 1,200.00 for Gus...even though it was a gift. But this is coming from the woman who breaks promises left and right! While I am at it she can deduct the amount of my new pc that was a gift from her and then shove the rest of the money up her you know what! Because I was never after her money! all of her gifts and house idea's, RV idea's...were all HER ideas! I was never the one calling an begging her for anything!
and the one fatal mistake she made was attacking my husband! Yell at me if you want, call me names if you want! But do not abuse my husband! He didn't even call her names or raise his voice.
Well mom, you can keep all your stupid money because in the end it won't make you happy anyway! Money buys comforts but not happiness! So, go to your stupid parties and buy your dresses...Just leave me alone!
I have my husband and my brother. So, I am already richer then you are. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2007|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
I am definitely feeling better today. I had a horrible bicycle ride home from work yesterday. Gus wasn't home and I was frustrated because I just needed him to be around. I feed my cats and rode my bicycle back to my dad's house and had the comfort of crying on my brothers shoulders...so to speak.
I really love my brother and really feel lucky that he is my brother. He is more then my brother...he is my best friend! Plus, he is one of the few people in this world that truly understands me.
My mom is still in town. She wanted to see me again yesterday night but I was just to frustrated, upset, mad, and just plain excused!
I found out some interesting information today though. Because Gus and I have 1. not been given a 30 day notice to move. 2. the verbal notice to move by the first was given to us on 9/6/2007 to move by the first. We are so protected by renters rights and I SO am going to fully to take advantage of that. Also, Gus and I might be entitled to receive relocation fees that could be a few thousand...so, I am contacting an attorney to get some advice.
In the very least, Gus and I will not be forced out by Oct 1st and that at least will buy as some time to find another place.
My mom is on a new thing saying that she is going to help Gus and I find an apartment. She says to me today "There is a nice apartment for 975.00 a month there in Glendale. I have to keep reminding her that I can't afford that much a month. Then she says that she will help cover the rent that we can't afford. But I don't trust her now. It is pretty bad when you can't even trust your own mom! first the help with the down payment---that didn't happen. Then the RV--- that isn't going to happen. So, unless I can afford the place on my own---forget it.
On a good note though. My manager at work says that he is extremely happy with my work. That is a good sign! Best news I have had so far this week. |
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| Depressed and hurt |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
lately for the past few weeks I have been getting into a bad habit of putting on that fake facade for people that I am around...smiling and saying that everything is ok when they ask how I am doing, and the truth is that I am not ok. I haven't even been writing in my journal or on my on-line journal. I think that I was trying to convince myself that everything was fine. I didn't want to write down everything that is happening because then I would have to face the facts that everything is seriously not ok.
Things in my life started going back down hill officially on September 1st. But in order to fully understand what has happened in my life...I will have to back up at least to Aug 1st. On top of everything else, this month I have been on an emotional roller coaster.
Since my step father died my mom has been telling me to start house hunting and that she was going to help me with a down payment on a place for me. That way I would be able to make comfortable monthly payments to payoff a mortgage. I was so excited. I started looking at properties in Lancaster where Gus and I could have a house and have my horse there with us(since Lancaster is zoned for horses). Then early August my mom said that she was going to come down and go house hunting with me, to get a listing of properties that I would like to see, and how much fun this was going to be. I thought to myself "Wow, this is finally going to happen! Gus and I won't have to worry about becoming homeless. we will save money because my horse Ari will be on a property with us and save us four hundred dollars a month!"
One week before my mom came down she called me and said "I was talking with Shelby(my mom sister) today and she doesn't think that buying you a house is a good idea. My heart sank and the little voice in the back of my head said "Didn't I tell you it seemed to good to be true? I told you so." My mom asked if I was mad at her and I told her that I was not mad. It was the truth because I was not mad at her. She asked if I was disappointed and I lied and said that I wasn't.
I went home and told Gus what had happened. I was upset and was crying at this point. I wasn't angry at my mom...I angry at my aunt Shelby. I was mad for a few reasons. The first was that it was all my mom's idea. My mom is the one that said she wanted to help us buy a house. I was not the one running to my mom asking for money or trying to take advantage of her. Second, it wasn't as if my mom was going to buy everything on it! Only help with a down payment and Gus and I would payoff a thirty year mortgage. I certainly wasn't expecting my mom to pay our way and was fully prepared to work my ass off to pay off the house.
(I love my Aunt Shelby but in a way this is so typical of this side of my family. Shelby never approved of my marriage to Gus. Not that I ever needed her approval. But the first and only time that she had meet my husband four years ago...she pulled me off to the side to tell me that I should leave him and that he was a dumbo. Even though she doesn't even know my husband at all! But aside from that...did she ever stop to think that she has two houses of her own and that when her husband died a few years ago left her more then enough money to last her a few lifetimes...so she is finically secure. She doesn't have to be worried about being homeless...but Gus and I do. After I told Gus what happened, he brought up a good point "I would like to know what she would say if anyone ever told her not to help her daughter Lilly?" )
A few days later my mom called me and said that she changed her mind. She said that she wanted to help me get a house and did not care what other people said. My mom came down Labor day weekend. I rode my bicycle over to my Grandma carols house on Saturday September 1st. From there we drove up to Castaic lake RV park where my mom was. Saturday was a lot of fun. We visited in the RV with my mom and went swimming at the RV parks pool. my grandma stayed the day there with us and I love my grandma but I couldn't help wishing that she would go home and let me and my mom have some quality time together...after all, I can count on my two hands the number of times my mom and I have seen each other in the whole sum of my 28 years on this earth. I did get my wish when she decided not to spend the night in the RV with us and went home for the night. I was glad when she had left. We had dinner together and just talked about everything that was going on in our life.
The next day on Sunday my Grandma carol drove back to the RV. She drove my mom and I to Lancaster to see some properties. I had made an appointment with a local realtor there. It wasn't until we were in the meeting with the realtor that I realized why my grandma wanted to come along with us. In the meeting with the realtor my grandma didn't let me talk or listen to what I had to say. So we spent the next two hours looking at a few places that were for sell. I remember thinking to myself "Why are we even bothering looking. When in my gut I somehow know that this is not going to happen. This is torture...looking at places that are going to be out of my reach because somehow I doubt its going to happen." My mom told me that we should be grateful that grandma was helping us and doing ALL that driving. Grandma Carol then went on to say how many other ways there were to buy a house...blah blah blah. I am sure there are hundreds of ways to buy a house but if you don't have the money(and Gus and I don't) to back it up..then forget it. But to get to the whole point of the house buying. between Grandma Carol and my Aunt Shelby...they fully convinced my mom that it was a horrible idea to help Gus and I get a house...period. Can you miss something that you never had to begin with?
On the way back from house viewing ( I don't consider it hunting anymore...more like "come see what you can't have") we stopped by a Best Buy store and my mom did buy me a new computer. That was really nice of her since my other computer isn't working anymore...but I could tell that my grandma was not happy at all that my mom was spending money on it...or spending money on me. Grandma Carol was as sweet and nice as long as my mom was looking her way. So, my mom really believed that she was just out there to help us... so I am not mad at my mom for that. Later we went swimming again and I got into and argument with my grandmother. Not about buying a house or the new computer. She was telling me that someone is not able to commute everywhere on a bicycle and still look nice for work etc. I informed her "Grandma...you are talking to someone that rides there bicycle everywhere...with the few exception of when Gus and I go out and he drives, Or If I am sick." She very nasty said to me "Well, that you don't dress nice either." I said "excuse me? I dress nice for work! I change in the restroom when I get there. I work for a bank...I have to dress nice!" ( A few days later I took great pleasure in e-mailing her a group picture of me and my co-workers...showing that I was dressed very nice! She never replayed to that e-mail.) She just can't seem to except the fact that not everyone lives the someway that she does. There are people that live differently then she does.
Later that night my grandma drove me home and my mom started her six hundred mile drive home. Amazingly my grandma did not bring up the topic of buying or owning houses or people that bicycle commute. I was thankful for that...I am not sure how much fight I had left in me at that precise moment in time. Then again, she didn't need to bring anything up. She got what she accomplished...she won...there would be no help for me in buying a home.
About two days after that I found out that our elderly landlord that we rent the room from would be going into a rest home...and that her family would be selling the house ASAP. We already paid the rent for September...so we have until October 1st to find a place and move out. Or move out and be homeless. Since that day I look for a place for Gus and I everyday. Before work and after work. Then I sent out an e-mail to my friends and family that are in the area and asked if they new of apartments or room for rent at a reasonable rate to let me know...and that I had to move my October 1st. I didn't ask for money or for anyone to pay me way. My Grandma Carol returned my e-mail address and said that "she was sorry to hear that my living arrangements have changed and that once in awhile Gus and I might be able to stay at her house in the spare bedroom for one night." One night! Like one night is going to make a huge difference? Gus and I are not bums. She could have said "come rent my room until you find a place." I would have given her rent! I am not looking for a free ride...only a little help. In that big two story house of hers is a huge guest room on the first floor that nobody stays in anymore....what a waste.
Then about a week ago my mom calls me and says that she could bring down her RV to the Castaic lake RV park and that Gus and I could stay there for a few months. She even said that she would prepay the first two months, so that Gus and I can save some money. She even went on to say that if we didn't find a place that we could stay longer in the RV if we needed to but that we would need to pay the six hundred and fifty dollars for the space at the RV park. I felt so relived. Even if Gus and I didn't find a place in two months...six hundred and fifty dollars actually isn't that bad to pay for the space...and of course I would have no problem paying it. Gus and I need help but I don't want my mom to pay everything for us. So, this whole last week my mom and I have been planning on this. Gus and I were going to take the greyhound bus to her house next Saturday. Then Gus and I would drive her car and follow behind her. She would be driving the RV down. I was even going to be able to have my cats with me.
Then my mom decided to come to town to see my Grandma Carol. This was just last Monday on September 17th. I had asked my mom if she had told Grandma Carol about the plan of Gus and I staying in the RV. She said that she had not but nothing my grandma could say would change her mind. I actually dreaded finding out what my grandma would say after my mom told her. It wouldn't be anything good...that much I was sure of. It took up until now to realize that my grandma Carol just is not very nice to me anymore. Everything was fine until I married Gus. A few years ago my mom and step-dad Irv asked Gus to make a move and live with them for awhile. Save some money, get and apartment, and be closer to them. Gus and I were all ready to make that move. Except that I made one huge mistake! Gus and I had gone over to my grandma's house and I told her about us going up there to live with her. At first she thought that it was a wonderful idea. I found out a few minutes later why she seemed so happy about that news. She miss understood me and thought I was the only one moving up there and that Gus would not be coming. When I corrected her that Gus and I are still very much married and love each other...and BOTH of us would be making the move. All of a sudden it was a terrible idea and convinced Gus that we would just be a burden to my mom and step-dad. So, she managed to convince Gus that he didn't want to move up there, and I of course wasn't going with out him. Gus regrets this now and we both realize that we should have made the move. My mom was disappointed that we didn't move and my step-dad was angry that she had made it sound like we would be a burden. Yet again...they offered and it was their idea...not me and Gus calling them and saying let us come live with you.
So anyway, it was no surprise that my mom told me yesterday that Grandma said that Gus and I should at least be making all the payments on the RV if we were going to be using it. Lets see six hundred and fifty for the space at Castaic and nine hundred a month for the loan payment. One thousand five hundred a month! and that would not include food, Gas...or paying for my horse ari. I could do the six hundred and fifty but not One thousand five hundred a month. So, Grandma Carol wins again. And that big RV will stay parked in the RV storage and nobody will be using is....what a waste...but oh-well.
I don't know why she is so against Gus and I receiving help. We bother have steady jobs. This was my moms idea to begin with...again. She got my hopes up...only to have it shatter in front of my face. In twelve days Gus and I will either have found a place to live or be homeless again...and my own grandmother doesn't care!
My grandma has her own house. My Aunt Shelby owns two houses(one of them stays empty eight months out of the year!) My mom has a house now. So that makes one completely empty house they are unwilling to share. One completely empty guest room they unwilling to share or rent to use. One completely empty RV sitting in storage that they have made out of my reach. Unwilling to let me mom help me with a down payment on a house...even though I am more then willing to pay the mortgage.
My grandmother would have talked my mom out of getting me the computer if she had known about it. She found out about the computer when we were at best buy and it was too late. I am grateful for the help me mom has given Gus and myself. She did pay for Gus dental work last month (One thousand two hundred), bought me a new pc. and bought me a few new clothes last night. I am sure my grandmother would have made sure I wasn't given that either if she could have.
What is so wrong with excepting help from my mom. Especially when she has more then enough money right now to help Gus and I? Not to mention it was all her ideas to begin with? I am her daughter! I am not some stranger on the street! I have worked full time since I was seventeen...I am not a bum looking for a free ride and people to support me.
I feel the depression coming on and you know what...why bother trying to stop it this time? I would like nothing better then to withdraw into my own inner world and stay there. |
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| My book "Inhumane Acts Of Humanity" |
[Aug. 31st, 2007|10:59 am] |
The Author has given you the chance to pre-order an autographed hardcover copy of her new book.
Heidi Barnes started her life as most young people do. Graduating from high school, and moving out of the house. She was married at the young age of nineteen. However after being married for a year and a half, Heidi and her husband found themselves homeless, despite the fact that they were both honest hardworking people that had full time jobs!
Through their journey they not only met other homeless people but came face to face with the prejudice the homeless have to face daily and how our society is compounding the problem.
Most people only see the homeless that are sleeping on skid row in downtown Los Angeles, or panhandling in front of the local supermarket. Did you know that over half of the homeless populations are working homeless? People that can’t make ends meet? Your coworker that is sitting right next to you might be homeless and you would never suspect them to be.
She has come to find that society is very ignorant when it comes to the homeless and the problems that they face. Through her journey she confronts these misconceptions in hope to change the way people in our government and society treat the homeless.
Click here to find out how you can order by visiting this website http://www.geocities.com/inhumaneactsofhumanity/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|09:36 am] |
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Well, I havn't posted for awhile and thought that I better. Not too much anything going on. just working and stuff. I finially got another cell phone. |
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| my cat sylvester |
[Jul. 27th, 2007|09:50 am] |
So on Wednesday my cay Sylvester ran out the door when Gus opened it. Jumped out the window and climbed down the tree :( We rent a room on the second floor of the house. I was at work when all of thise happened. Gus picked me up from work and had to tell me the bad news...he felt SO bad. he says that he looked for him for hours and can't find him. So, we went stright home! I looked and looked..in the house, around the house...grabed a flashlight and went under the house! I looked until there was no daylight left to look with! I got a bowl and left food and water outside for him in hope that he came home. I went to my room and cryed for hours. This is the cat that I rescused because he was an orphin, I bottle feed him! I know he didn't mean to run away...he is just so curoius about outside. This is the cat that when I wake up I can hear him purr from all the way across the room because he is happy to see me. I share half my pillow with him at night!
Then just when I thought I would never see him again. He ran up to Gus yesterday. I am so happy to have my kitty back! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|01:46 pm] |
I am pissed. someone stole my bicycle last night :(
I have my other bike but it needs to be put into the bike shop. This sucks...as if I didn't have problems already |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|10:04 am] |
Not to much going on. Have Uncles funeral saturday evening. Harry Potter book coming out. My dad is still a shit head. and here is the first 4 weeks of my training scedule.
My bicycle training Scedule
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WEEK 1
Saturday, July 20th- Hit the gym and pump out 15 to 20 miles on bike.
Also- streaght training for legs- leg curls-leg press...etc.
Sunday July 21- Very little biking-if any at all
Monday July 22- At least one hour of biking.
Tuesday July 23- Hit Gym for streanth training.
Wednesday July 24- At least one hour of biking.
Thursday July 25- Gym for streanth training.
Friday- REST
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WEEK 2
Saturday July 26- Hit gym and bike 20-25 miles.
Sunday July 27-REST-Very little biking-if any at all
Monday July 28- At least one hour of biking
Tuesday July 29- Gym for streanth training
Wednesday July 30 - At least one hour of biking
Thurday JUly 31- Gym streanth training- 30 to 60 min of biking.
Friday AUG 1--REST
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WEEK 3
Saturday AUG 2- Hit gym and bike 20-25 miles
Sunday Aug 3- REST-Very little biking-if any at all
Monday Aug 4- At least one hour of biking
Wednesday Aug 5- At least one hour of biking
Thurday Aug 6- Gym streanth training- 30 to 60 min of biking.
Friday Aug 7- REST
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Week AUG 8-4 REST WEEK
Saturday AUG 9 - REST
SUNDAY - AUG 10- EASY 30 min recovery ride
Monday- AUG 11- 30-60 min easy riding
Wednesday AUG 12- - streanth training
thurday AUG 13- 30 to 40 min easy ride
Friday- REST
-------------------------------------- |
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| hmmm...a century? |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|09:40 am] |
 There comes a time in the life of just about every cyclist when that little voice inside your head says "you can ride 100 miles, why don't you sign up for a century?" So that is exactly what I have started to train for. Plus the doctor says it will be good, it also should provide the solution to my weight loss gaol. and it is the main steping stone for my San fran to LA ride next June. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:34 pm] |
My brother and I rocked at laser tag on saturday! then I spent most all day in bed on sunday because my back hurt like hell...oh-well.
When it rains it pours...my great uncle Harry passed away last friday. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2007|12:26 pm] |
It feels good to get back into my on-line journal. Plus, not having a phone right now stinks and this seems the best way to keep in touch with people.
The stable that my horse is at was sold a month and ahalf ago and I have been stressing over were to move him too. I finally found a place in sunland. Its 75.00 more then I am used to paying but I can live with that. Its cheaper then most the stables anyway. He is being trailered up today. So, I am relived.
I am glad that its friday and my brother and I are going to the Laser tag tomorrow. Its been awhile since we have done that. I am so glad that my brother is 18 now. Other wise my butt-face of a father wouldn't let him spend time with me. I love my brother!
Not too much else going on right now. I am going to try and work on my book sometime this weekend..hopefully.
I am going to get back into my charity work. My brother and I have also decided that we are going to start training for the bicycle ride next June from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
Oh and I have decided that I am going to get a motorcycle. One, I want one and two it will piss my dad off. |
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| my biological dad sucks major stinky sticky monkey balls |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|12:26 pm] |
I am so pissed off- acually pissed off is an understatement..I don't even know if I have a word to fit what I am feeling about my dad right now.
It all started on the day my Step-dad died. Ever since my Dad has had this attitude. It started with him making comments to everyone that I care to much about my step-dad Irv and that my dad was upset because he didn't get a fathers day card from me. My response to that was "First of all, I was home sick and nobody got a fathers day card from me...not my step-dad with cancer and not my Dad. I did however e-mail my step-dad and said happy fathers day and I say my dad face to face and said happy fathers day. But I guess that wasn't good enough for him. Second, I was very close to my step-dad and love him very much. I have the right to be close to and love anyone I choose!"
Then for the rest of the week I pretty much stayed home and was happy being mistrable and by myself. With the exception of Gus of course...I was glad he was there...he kept me sane. I was depressed...and I should be, someone I loved died...its normal to feel deprssed, sad, and angry.
But the straw that broke the camels back was when I finilly got back to work. I started getting those e-mails from my dad telling me how much my husband Gus sucks. First of all, my husband didn't do anything wrong. My dad was just mad because when Gus was nice enough to drive him to the DMV, the DMV was crowded and he didn't feel like staying. Its not Gus's fault! anyone that has ever gone to the DMV know that it stinks going there and it takes forever. Oh-yeah, and the reason my dad needed the ride is because he lost his driver lic. because he was arrested for a DUI.
Then he sends me another e-mail saying that its my fault that he has drunk people around his house and that they won't leave him alone. I send him an e-mail back saying "excuse me? those are your friends, not mine. I never invited them there...your the one that drinks beer with them...who gets drunk with them.
So with that my dad starts telling me that he doesn't have a daughter anymore and that I have changed. He says that I just want to be close to my mom because she has money now..blah blah blah.
I was like "what money? my step-dad was so sick...my mom is lucky she is keeping the house! second, my mom and I have gotten closer these last few years. I can thank my step-dad for that. My step-dad was good for my mom...good for me. I have a right to have a relationship with my mom. yes, my mom made some mistakes in the past. She is human too and I have forgiven her. I do have the right to forgive and love my mom!
So, my dad and I are not on speaking terms. I even blocked his e-mail address from e-mailing me.
I don't know what his problem is anymore. But I am tired of putting up with his abuse. |
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| not goodbye...just see you later |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|09:24 am] |
7/2/2007
On Sunday, June 24th at 9:30am in the morning my step-father Irv
passed away. He died very peacefully in his bed at home. I am glad
that he was at home and not some uncomfortable creepy hospital room.
I talked to my mom around 11am when she told me that he had passed.
Of course I have been preparing myself for this moment...or at least
I did my best too. I of course knew he had cancer and I knew things
were not going very well but I didn't expect him to be gone this
soon...I didn't want him to be gone at all.
I remember our last phone conversation. It was when he was
released to go home from the hospital. I remember saying "I bet it
feels good to be home!" He said "It sure does! I missed being at home
and missed seeing the cats too." He sounded tired and week. He really
wasn't up to talking any longer and I understood. I was just thankful
for our short conversation. Before I let him go I said "Dad, I love
you." He replied "I love you too."
Then exactly one week before he passed, the previous Sunday...It
was fathers day. I knew that he was not feeling well enough to talk
on the phone. So I sent him an e-mail telling him happy fathers day
and that I loved him very much. I know that he had been so sick, and
he probably wouldn't be up to returning the e-mail but I was just
hoping that he would at least see it. I had told my mom that I had
sent it. I was surprised and happy to see a replay back from him
saying that he loved me too.
That is the last e-mail...last time I will ever get to talk with
him. On the Sunday he passed away( which seems like weeks and weeks
have passed and it has only been eight days ago. Its been a difficult
eight days.) My mom told me "You know, he made it a point to look for
your e-mail on fathers day you know?" No, I didn't know that, I
didn't know that he went that extra mile just to get that e-mail from
me. Irv even managed to make me feel special and loved after he was
gone.
I felt comforted because I knew he loved me...there was never any
doubt in my mind or heart about that, and he knew that I loved him
too. saying "I love you" was never left out of our e-mails or our
conversations. ..no matter how brief they had become.
I am sad because he was gone. No more e-mails, phone
conversations, finding out what plays he was working on, I am going
to miss his advice, but most of all his laughter and his hugs. I felt
tears welling up but I didn't stop them, I didn't care who saw me
cry...I just knew that I needed to cry.
When I finally managed to drag myself back into work. My friend
peter asked me if I was ok. I said "I guess so but I am just
angry...not angry with anyone...just angry at the world. If that
makes any sense at all." He said "It makes perfect sense." and gave
me a hug.
I was angry. Angry because there are horrible people out there and
if those murderers dropped dead the world would be better off...and
yet one of the best people in this world is now gone. I do believe
that its the worlds loss that he is gone.
Then someone at work made a comment that being mad at the world
was just another way of saying that I was mad at God...which was the
furthest thing from the truth. How could I be mad at God when he
actually answered one of my prayers in great detail? I few weeks
before he passed I had prayed "If he isn't going to beat this
cancer...then please don't let him suffer more then he has too. Let
him pass peacefully in bed, at home, with my mom be his side."
Then this morning I was contemplating just staying home. I would
have been happy to stay in my room all day again and be miserable.
But then something happened. That empty space that I had been feeling
all week long wasn't as empty. Somehow I could feel Irv
there...almost like he was standing behind me...and I thought "Your
right Irv. I know that you would not want me to be here miserable and
missing out on life. Life that you loved so much. I closed my eyes
and thought of happy times that we spent together. I realized Irv,
that your unconditional love will always be with me and it is truly
enough love to last my entire lifetime.
It also made me remember that I do believe that there is some type
of afterlife after death. So, I got ready to greet the world outside
today. Unlocked my bicycle...and as I was riding down a huge hill,
with the fresh morning air in my face...I said "Its not good bye...we
will see each other again!" |
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| just an update |
[May. 31st, 2007|01:17 pm] |
I know, it been forever since I updated my journal. I have been busy. Busy working on my book. Also three weeks ago I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle to work one morning. Bicycle VS. Car # 3 that I have been able to walk away from. My guardian angels must be working some over time!
I could not sleep last night though...my back hurts so damn bad. So, I am at work today...I didn't dare call in sick.
Gus is doing ok. I don't think I ever told you that he got a job with the city of Los Angeles. He likes his job and that makes me happy. We are doing good and although Gus and I don't always see eye to eye, he is the love of my life.
My brother Adam turned 18 on May 9th and he graduates from High School this next coming month! I am very proud of him.
My step-dad is in the hospital again, although he is doing better I am still said about his cancer. |
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[Mar. 31st, 2007|08:31 am] |
I have had a cold this week, so I am just resting this weekend. Not too much to report other then that. I am 9 pounds light at weigh in this morning!! |
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