| Depressed and hurt |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
lately for the past few weeks I have been getting into a bad habit of putting on that fake facade for people that I am around...smiling and saying that everything is ok when they ask how I am doing, and the truth is that I am not ok. I haven't even been writing in my journal or on my on-line journal. I think that I was trying to convince myself that everything was fine. I didn't want to write down everything that is happening because then I would have to face the facts that everything is seriously not ok.
Things in my life started going back down hill officially on September 1st. But in order to fully understand what has happened in my life...I will have to back up at least to Aug 1st. On top of everything else, this month I have been on an emotional roller coaster.
Since my step father died my mom has been telling me to start house hunting and that she was going to help me with a down payment on a place for me. That way I would be able to make comfortable monthly payments to payoff a mortgage. I was so excited. I started looking at properties in Lancaster where Gus and I could have a house and have my horse there with us(since Lancaster is zoned for horses). Then early August my mom said that she was going to come down and go house hunting with me, to get a listing of properties that I would like to see, and how much fun this was going to be. I thought to myself "Wow, this is finally going to happen! Gus and I won't have to worry about becoming homeless. we will save money because my horse Ari will be on a property with us and save us four hundred dollars a month!"
One week before my mom came down she called me and said "I was talking with Shelby(my mom sister) today and she doesn't think that buying you a house is a good idea. My heart sank and the little voice in the back of my head said "Didn't I tell you it seemed to good to be true? I told you so." My mom asked if I was mad at her and I told her that I was not mad. It was the truth because I was not mad at her. She asked if I was disappointed and I lied and said that I wasn't.
I went home and told Gus what had happened. I was upset and was crying at this point. I wasn't angry at my mom...I angry at my aunt Shelby. I was mad for a few reasons. The first was that it was all my mom's idea. My mom is the one that said she wanted to help us buy a house. I was not the one running to my mom asking for money or trying to take advantage of her. Second, it wasn't as if my mom was going to buy everything on it! Only help with a down payment and Gus and I would payoff a thirty year mortgage. I certainly wasn't expecting my mom to pay our way and was fully prepared to work my ass off to pay off the house.
(I love my Aunt Shelby but in a way this is so typical of this side of my family. Shelby never approved of my marriage to Gus. Not that I ever needed her approval. But the first and only time that she had meet my husband four years ago...she pulled me off to the side to tell me that I should leave him and that he was a dumbo. Even though she doesn't even know my husband at all! But aside from that...did she ever stop to think that she has two houses of her own and that when her husband died a few years ago left her more then enough money to last her a few lifetimes...so she is finically secure. She doesn't have to be worried about being homeless...but Gus and I do. After I told Gus what happened, he brought up a good point "I would like to know what she would say if anyone ever told her not to help her daughter Lilly?" )
A few days later my mom called me and said that she changed her mind. She said that she wanted to help me get a house and did not care what other people said. My mom came down Labor day weekend. I rode my bicycle over to my Grandma carols house on Saturday September 1st. From there we drove up to Castaic lake RV park where my mom was. Saturday was a lot of fun. We visited in the RV with my mom and went swimming at the RV parks pool. my grandma stayed the day there with us and I love my grandma but I couldn't help wishing that she would go home and let me and my mom have some quality time together...after all, I can count on my two hands the number of times my mom and I have seen each other in the whole sum of my 28 years on this earth. I did get my wish when she decided not to spend the night in the RV with us and went home for the night. I was glad when she had left. We had dinner together and just talked about everything that was going on in our life.
The next day on Sunday my Grandma carol drove back to the RV. She drove my mom and I to Lancaster to see some properties. I had made an appointment with a local realtor there. It wasn't until we were in the meeting with the realtor that I realized why my grandma wanted to come along with us. In the meeting with the realtor my grandma didn't let me talk or listen to what I had to say. So we spent the next two hours looking at a few places that were for sell. I remember thinking to myself "Why are we even bothering looking. When in my gut I somehow know that this is not going to happen. This is torture...looking at places that are going to be out of my reach because somehow I doubt its going to happen." My mom told me that we should be grateful that grandma was helping us and doing ALL that driving. Grandma Carol then went on to say how many other ways there were to buy a house...blah blah blah. I am sure there are hundreds of ways to buy a house but if you don't have the money(and Gus and I don't) to back it up..then forget it. But to get to the whole point of the house buying. between Grandma Carol and my Aunt Shelby...they fully convinced my mom that it was a horrible idea to help Gus and I get a house...period. Can you miss something that you never had to begin with?
On the way back from house viewing ( I don't consider it hunting anymore...more like "come see what you can't have") we stopped by a Best Buy store and my mom did buy me a new computer. That was really nice of her since my other computer isn't working anymore...but I could tell that my grandma was not happy at all that my mom was spending money on it...or spending money on me. Grandma Carol was as sweet and nice as long as my mom was looking her way. So, my mom really believed that she was just out there to help us... so I am not mad at my mom for that. Later we went swimming again and I got into and argument with my grandmother. Not about buying a house or the new computer. She was telling me that someone is not able to commute everywhere on a bicycle and still look nice for work etc. I informed her "Grandma...you are talking to someone that rides there bicycle everywhere...with the few exception of when Gus and I go out and he drives, Or If I am sick." She very nasty said to me "Well, that you don't dress nice either." I said "excuse me? I dress nice for work! I change in the restroom when I get there. I work for a bank...I have to dress nice!" ( A few days later I took great pleasure in e-mailing her a group picture of me and my co-workers...showing that I was dressed very nice! She never replayed to that e-mail.) She just can't seem to except the fact that not everyone lives the someway that she does. There are people that live differently then she does.
Later that night my grandma drove me home and my mom started her six hundred mile drive home. Amazingly my grandma did not bring up the topic of buying or owning houses or people that bicycle commute. I was thankful for that...I am not sure how much fight I had left in me at that precise moment in time. Then again, she didn't need to bring anything up. She got what she accomplished...she won...there would be no help for me in buying a home.
About two days after that I found out that our elderly landlord that we rent the room from would be going into a rest home...and that her family would be selling the house ASAP. We already paid the rent for September...so we have until October 1st to find a place and move out. Or move out and be homeless. Since that day I look for a place for Gus and I everyday. Before work and after work. Then I sent out an e-mail to my friends and family that are in the area and asked if they new of apartments or room for rent at a reasonable rate to let me know...and that I had to move my October 1st. I didn't ask for money or for anyone to pay me way. My Grandma Carol returned my e-mail address and said that "she was sorry to hear that my living arrangements have changed and that once in awhile Gus and I might be able to stay at her house in the spare bedroom for one night." One night! Like one night is going to make a huge difference? Gus and I are not bums. She could have said "come rent my room until you find a place." I would have given her rent! I am not looking for a free ride...only a little help. In that big two story house of hers is a huge guest room on the first floor that nobody stays in anymore....what a waste.
Then about a week ago my mom calls me and says that she could bring down her RV to the Castaic lake RV park and that Gus and I could stay there for a few months. She even said that she would prepay the first two months, so that Gus and I can save some money. She even went on to say that if we didn't find a place that we could stay longer in the RV if we needed to but that we would need to pay the six hundred and fifty dollars for the space at the RV park. I felt so relived. Even if Gus and I didn't find a place in two months...six hundred and fifty dollars actually isn't that bad to pay for the space...and of course I would have no problem paying it. Gus and I need help but I don't want my mom to pay everything for us. So, this whole last week my mom and I have been planning on this. Gus and I were going to take the greyhound bus to her house next Saturday. Then Gus and I would drive her car and follow behind her. She would be driving the RV down. I was even going to be able to have my cats with me.
Then my mom decided to come to town to see my Grandma Carol. This was just last Monday on September 17th. I had asked my mom if she had told Grandma Carol about the plan of Gus and I staying in the RV. She said that she had not but nothing my grandma could say would change her mind. I actually dreaded finding out what my grandma would say after my mom told her. It wouldn't be anything good...that much I was sure of. It took up until now to realize that my grandma Carol just is not very nice to me anymore. Everything was fine until I married Gus. A few years ago my mom and step-dad Irv asked Gus to make a move and live with them for awhile. Save some money, get and apartment, and be closer to them. Gus and I were all ready to make that move. Except that I made one huge mistake! Gus and I had gone over to my grandma's house and I told her about us going up there to live with her. At first she thought that it was a wonderful idea. I found out a few minutes later why she seemed so happy about that news. She miss understood me and thought I was the only one moving up there and that Gus would not be coming. When I corrected her that Gus and I are still very much married and love each other...and BOTH of us would be making the move. All of a sudden it was a terrible idea and convinced Gus that we would just be a burden to my mom and step-dad. So, she managed to convince Gus that he didn't want to move up there, and I of course wasn't going with out him. Gus regrets this now and we both realize that we should have made the move. My mom was disappointed that we didn't move and my step-dad was angry that she had made it sound like we would be a burden. Yet again...they offered and it was their idea...not me and Gus calling them and saying let us come live with you.
So anyway, it was no surprise that my mom told me yesterday that Grandma said that Gus and I should at least be making all the payments on the RV if we were going to be using it. Lets see six hundred and fifty for the space at Castaic and nine hundred a month for the loan payment. One thousand five hundred a month! and that would not include food, Gas...or paying for my horse ari. I could do the six hundred and fifty but not One thousand five hundred a month. So, Grandma Carol wins again. And that big RV will stay parked in the RV storage and nobody will be using is....what a waste...but oh-well.
I don't know why she is so against Gus and I receiving help. We bother have steady jobs. This was my moms idea to begin with...again. She got my hopes up...only to have it shatter in front of my face. In twelve days Gus and I will either have found a place to live or be homeless again...and my own grandmother doesn't care!
My grandma has her own house. My Aunt Shelby owns two houses(one of them stays empty eight months out of the year!) My mom has a house now. So that makes one completely empty house they are unwilling to share. One completely empty guest room they unwilling to share or rent to use. One completely empty RV sitting in storage that they have made out of my reach. Unwilling to let me mom help me with a down payment on a house...even though I am more then willing to pay the mortgage.
My grandmother would have talked my mom out of getting me the computer if she had known about it. She found out about the computer when we were at best buy and it was too late. I am grateful for the help me mom has given Gus and myself. She did pay for Gus dental work last month (One thousand two hundred), bought me a new pc. and bought me a few new clothes last night. I am sure my grandmother would have made sure I wasn't given that either if she could have.
What is so wrong with excepting help from my mom. Especially when she has more then enough money right now to help Gus and I? Not to mention it was all her ideas to begin with? I am her daughter! I am not some stranger on the street! I have worked full time since I was seventeen...I am not a bum looking for a free ride and people to support me.
I feel the depression coming on and you know what...why bother trying to stop it this time? I would like nothing better then to withdraw into my own inner world and stay there. |
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